Should we buy a house? I’m unemployed and we’d have to borrow the downpayment. But my husband really wants us to be homeowners!

Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

My husband and I live in a very high cost area. I am currently unemployed in a highly competitive field, though with many promising prospects that could coalesce in the next few months (or not! we live in unprecedented economic times!). His very low six-figure income supports us both, plus a special needs pet.

The thing is, he wants us to buy a house. My husband is tired of renting, which he considers “paying off someone else’s mortgage,” and wants to get serious about buying a home. His family has offered help with a down payment, but has never offered any solid numbers. Our area has first-time-homeowner programs, some of which our friends have used to buy their first home, though none in the last couple years. I’ve agreed to meet with a couple lenders our real estate agent has recommended to learn more about the first-time-homeowner programs. But am I crazy, or is us buying a house right now an insanely terrible idea?! If so, can you help me convince my husband that renting isn’t just throwing away our money, and taking on a home without solid economic prospects is a big mistake?

—I Mean, Sure, I’d Love A House, Too, But

Dear I’d Love a House,

Buying a home isn’t necessarily a terrible idea, especially if you have help with the down payment, but continuing to rent is also not a terrible idea.

Contrary to popular belief, renting is not just throwing your money away. For starters, you’re getting something out of it —a place to live. That’s not nothing. It also means you’re not tied down by a mortgage, property tax payments, home improvement costs, and so on.

There’s another cost to consider—something called “opportunity cost.” Put simply, this is the cost of making one decision versus another. In other words, what would it look like if you took the money for the down payment and invested it in a boring old index fund instead? Then, add in all the other costs you’ll likely put toward the home (like property taxes and insurance payments) and, in many cases, you’d actually have a higher return if you invested that money in a broad fund instead of buying a house with it. That’s partially because, historically, returns on real estate have barely outpaced inflation, whereas the stock market has had a 6-7 percent return over the years.

When most people think “rent bad, buy good,” they don’t consider the financial decision beyond the cost of rent and the cost of a monthly mortgage payment. That doesn’t necessarily mean a house is a bad investment. You could buy at just the right time. Home prices in your area could skyrocket. The point is, there are so many different and unique factors that come into play here (the New York Times has a “rent vs. buy” calculator that goes beyond the basics and considers all of those factors).

But just because a home might not be the investment your husband thinks it is doesn’t necessarily make it a bad purchase. But if you’re struggling to find work, there’s also the danger of being house poor, so if you do buy, make sure that you have a hefty emergency fund on hand and you’re not compromising any of your other long-term financial goals. Here are some additional smart guidelines to have in place before you buy, and here’s a very detailed how-to guide when (and if) you’re ready.

Before you start house hunting, I would ask your in-laws how much they’re willing to help out. That could be a make-or-break amount, so start there. Run the numbers, weigh the trade-offs, and make a choice that supports a lifestyle both of you want to live.

Dear Pay Dirt,

My husband and I live in an expensive city we love, with roommates to make the budget work. My cousin’s spouse just got approval for a series of surgeries at a big-name hospital here. As one of the few left-leaning members of our family, I’ve tried to provide emotional connection to my cousin and her spouse, and they’ve provided it back. We’re not close, but we all need all the allies we can get with my homophobic right-wing family. The problem is that they will need to stay in our city for a few months for the surgeries, and they have unrealistic housing expectations. They also plan to bring their two dogs. I politely said we couldn’t host but stupidly agreed to help with the sublet search.

This would be fine if they weren’t convinced there’s a dog-friendly one-bedroom with no stairs here that they can rent for a few months. It must have a backyard and direct transit access, be near the hospital, and be under $2,000 a month. The average one bedroom here is $5,000! I’ve laid out the real estate data. I’ve suggested compromise options within their budget. But they’re both angry at me for “not even trying.” I want to retire from real estate duties without burning the bridge. They’re both being obnoxious, but they’re also preparing for emotionally fraught major surgery, far from home. They’re both used to being upper middle class in a place with rock bottom cost of living. They don’t travel and aren’t used to not being able to afford what they want. I get how this has been a shitty surprise. They’re adults and can figure this out without me, but I don’t want to torch the connection between us. How do I do this?

—Not a Real Estate Agent

Dear Not a Real Estate Agent,

It’s great that you want to be there for your cousin and their spouse, and I understand they’re going through a tough time, but that doesn’t give them permission to take things out on you. You said it yourself, you’re not a real estate agent. Not only are they thumbing their nose at your help, they’re also asking for more and not being very nice about it. I get it—you don’t want to torch the connection. But it sounds like they’ve already lit the match.

Be direct and tell them exactly what you’ve already said here: “I’ve tried to help because I understand this is a big deal, but there’s only so much I can do. I’m not a real estate agent, and I’m certain you can both figure this out without my help.” If you want to keep things friendly: “Let me know if there are any other ways I can support you.” If that sounds too harsh, you might simply tell them that you aren’t the best resource for this and you wish you could help, but this isn’t really your area of expertise.

But really, they’re probably going to be upset either way. This probably isn’t really about you— it’s about their misplaced frustration and anger. Your best bet is to be direct about wanting out, and leave it up to them to keep the connection friendly. Leave the door open for support, but not at the expense of becoming a doormat.

—Kristin

More Money Advice From Slate

My late husband left me several properties, and the passive income from those properties has allowed me to retire early. We never had children. My current partner has three and only has a decent relationship with his son. His daughters are wrapped around his ex’s finger and think living off their father’s money is their right and due. The problem is that his son let it slip that he and his family vacationed on one of my properties for free and now his sisters are howling for their turn.

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